Today I Evolve

mgs87 asked:
Hai there, I hope I am not bothering but I kinda need somebody to talk to. And I don't really have anyone to talk to. You see I have been in love with my best friend for three and a half years now. But I never said anything. And I have been away all this time, away from that person and away from my friends. A week ago thankfully I was able to visit them, I thought that seeing that person would make it all okay for me. But that did not happen.. Instead it kinda showed me how sad I really was

[the rest of the question was cut off] - continued: ”Things in my life are not going that well. So when I saw that person I got so scared, I messed it up. She made me a cake and wrote on top of it welcome my angle. She was so so happy to see me but I got scared because that never happened to me before. I hurt her. I am sorry for it. I wanna see her again but I am scared, I don’t wanna feel like that again . I wanna be happy when I am with her.”

This is a tough question/situation, but I’ll do my best to answer it. 

I’m so sorry things have been difficult for you. It’s good that you have this person in your life and that you feel a lot for them. If you think you have hurt her, you should be open and honest about how you are feeling and apologize. A simple explanation of “I was scared” and “This is how I feel about you” is something I think you owe her. Does she know you missed her all this time? Does she feel the same?

Once things are out in the open, it’s important to give space and time. Sometimes it’s not needed, but more often than not, people need time and space to digest apologies and confessions of feelings. If you speak your piece and do not give her space to think about what you have said, it could ruin a potentially wonderful experience for you. I would give this advice for many other relationship questions as well. 

One of the best (and most attractive) things you can do for anyone is to give them space. Respect their individuality. Respect their privacy. Respect their need for space. Guard it and provide it for them. This took me a long time to learn.

I will never forget this quote by Paul Ferrini in his book “Silence of the Heart”:

"Contrary to popular belief, marriage (or a relationship) is not a tie that binds but one that releases. One wants the greatest happiness for the partner in the same way that one wants the greatest happiness for oneself. One loves the partner as one loves oneself, with an equal love."

The truth is this… There is so much mystery in every person. If only every couple could realize this. It doesn’t matter if you have been with someone for 50 years. There is so much that you can still learn about them. A tragedy I see in relationships is that people lose this sense of mystery and privacy. They are afraid of letting their loved one be an individual. They obsessively need to know everything about their loved one and grow to have unhealthy expectations about them every day.

In contrast, wouldn’t it be wonderful for lovers to embrace the mystery and individuality that they both have? If you think about love in this way, it may help you to be more comfortable giving each other space.

I also believe this is the answer to your sadness about her being gone for so long. This is a battle you must fight within yourself. When someone you love leaves, you will feel a flood of emotion, yes, but it should not be the typical emotions people feel. Do not obsessively focus on worry, jealousy, and desire. Remember, this is a real person who exists independent of you. You need to learn to let go and be happy about whatever dreams they are chasing after. Most importantly, you should feel good when they return. The fear and sadness you feel may be a sign that some internal growth is required.

I would challenge you to spend some time releasing expectations about this person and teach yourself to have boundless compassion for her, regardless of where she is or how far away she is. Additionally, spend some time learning to love yourself. The next time she returns, vow to be be ready. You will show her how patient, respectful, loving, and strong you are. Not only that, but you may just show yourself something too.

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